Wired differently

So I will bypass my normal report on race day to examine my head. Someone whom I consider a friend said something to me during the Akron Marathon that had me checking myself. It was a pretty harmless comment to me asking me to try not to make comments about others while we were running. I questioned it at first and the reply indicated that it seems to have become a habit of mine. I think this may go back to some comments made during another race when we were running together. Outwardly when other runners of far superior skills were flying through the course I started making small sarcastic comments suggesting that they had to have given up something to get that fast. Otherwise could life truly be fair? No one should be good at everything they do right?
It actually hurt a little though the more I thought about it. I actually thing that from there on out I was a lot less talkative then my normal self. I kept thinking about what type of a person I strive to be. Do I want to be the supportive person that I think I am always wishing the best to others or do I want to be seen as a biter person who is always trying to belittle others. Apparently, unknowingly to me, I had become the later during races. What is it about competition that causes everything within me to change? I know that I am a strong type A personality and I can be very competitive in life. I have a gift for not only gab but also sarcasm. Maybe there are more reasons then I knew for me to no longer continue to chase after someone elses expectations of me. I love spending time with friends on runs and I try to be a nice person. Saturday wasn't the only time that I have received negative feedback with regards to some of my comments and the day ended with a nice gesture from another runner who had addressed the same issue with me (okay so now everyone should be confused except for possibly two people reading this so I will abort).

If the feeling I get from not feeling competitive during these races causes me to be a person that I don't like then it is time to check myself. I need to apologize to those that may have been on the negative end of my sometimes incoherent babble during these times and do what I like. I hope to demonstrate this through actions in the future though and not words here in this blog..... and to the friends who were kind enough to bring this fault to my attention so that it can be addressed I sincerely thank you.

Hmmm now I think it's time to sign up for the tow path half marathon... to run with a group of people raising money for Downs Syndrome... anyone interested in supporting my effort let me know.

The Blue Pill

So some of you may not know my rather tech geek side. Others know it well. I'm a big fan of the Matrix trilogy and other science fiction movies (or are they just telling the future). So I'm about to go all geek for a second.

In the movie the Matrix, Neo is offered a choice of a blue or red pill. The blue pill is accepting the way things are and traveling down the same path without questioning it. The red pill in the movie is an offering of the truth. It represents taking a chance and stepping outside of the normality of life. I find that many times with schedules of work, travel, children's activities, etc life becomes robotic. I find myself checking my calender to see who needs to be driven where, and when my wife is working, or where I am traveling next and some times I just seem to shut down and go on autopilot. You realize this when you are driving down the street and your 4 year old and they point out a rainbow just to the left of the car. How is it that the notice so much while we miss it all? I think over time you get so used to the same routine that you start to shut out what is around you.

I find that running for me is like taking the red pill. It puts me in a setting in which I have total recognition of everything that is occurring both inside and around me. You begin to feel every muscle while at the same time being acutely aware of your surroundings. This is amplified when running on trials due to the need to avoid obstacles which may arise. I find that lately I have been worried to much about the past and as a result I've been trying to follow a path which requires half a blue pill and half a red one. By doing this I don't know if I will every truly make it to the truth but I still have the security and comfort offered by the known. Well here goes the big one. I choose the red pill... Time to go sign up for the blue line. Under trained, unprepared, but very experienced. Time to accept the change and finish what was started.

Akron

So I'm hoping no one cares enough to read this anymore as I have only posted once in the last 4-5 months. My life has grown increasingly busy as my children have grown and my position within the company I work for has grown as well. So today I find myself examining two separate issues. The first would be who to draft tonight in our fantasy football league, and the second is the Akron Marathon.
I have once again swarm of running 26.2 mile races. So it seems the Akron Marathon is held the day before my birthday. I had every intention to sign up for the half marathon option today but I couldn't believe it was $65. Hell for $85 I can run the whole marathon and get a cool jacket instead of some tech t. Like I don't have enough tech tees. I bet it will be another long sleeve one like the last few years so that I can't ever wear it. The only time I wear long sleeve is if there is snow falling. So I had an okay 20 mile run on Saturday. Walked some over the last 4-5 miles but we kept a 10 minute mile pace for most of the run and I felt good. I didn't puke until a good 5 minutes after I finished running.

Sooooo. why am I ready to sign up for the full Akron Marathon? I had actually filled out all the information and was ready to hit the send button when I decided to give it another day or two. I think it's my inability to stop thinking about the way things have ended. I put myself through hell to finish the Buckeye because I quit the last time... and now it is the Akron Marathon which was the last event I quit. Will I forever remember quiting and always want to go back and finish what I started? Hell I have a finishers medal it's just two years old. What the hell. I can imagine the conversation at the start line if/when my friends see me wearing a bib for a full marathon but what the hell. Maybe I just start far enough back that I won't see anyone until it's over. Or maybe I could use their support? I could always take the easy way out and go for my goal of a sub 1:45 half but then again I could do that two weeks later in Peninsula as well.

Why do we do these things to ourselves?

Buckeye Trail 50k

I'm not sure who still reads this but I figured that I would give things a few days to clear up before writing any report from my race on Saturday now I look down and holly crap is this a long report. Oh well maybe it will help me to remember things in the future.

Once upon a time there was a boy named..... okay that isn't going to work.

So the race started right on time at 7. I started my day at the end of the pack right where I wanted to be and watched 160 people head into the woods in front of me. I was with Bob, Red and Maria and having a good time breaking some cement off my legs. There really wasn't much talking going on at first and even after a mile it wasn't up to the normal communications so I had to interject the now normal "So speaking of sex" which seemed to loosen everyone up a bit. After about two miles we reached Otawa Point and Melissa was waiting for me. She was happy to see that we were taking it easy and we all just seemed to settle into one conversation after another. I think it was about 4 miles into the run when some of the runners around us took offense to the conversation and one woman even yelled back "language". I found it humorous as we had been discussing everything from Dr Ruth and onion rings to well you can imagine and when Red had somehow directed the conversation to the unnecessary circumcision of pubescent girls in Africa all of a sudden our language was offensive. So like any group of katty school children it just seemed to drive the conversation back toward the size of the male anatomy of all the runners who were faster then me.
A bit earlier in the run when everyone was talking about all those crazy fast guys in front of me I figured that I would help out my ego some by making a suggestion that maybe they can run a little faster because they don't have as much "manhood" to get in the way. This then lead to a discussion that the really slow runners may have been hampered by the need to deal with keeping a cadence with three legs instead of two. In hindsight this seems pretty funny with the way I finished. The girls all seemed to get a kick out of it so I even went as far as to say that I would to "cup check" some of the first runners on the way back as a way to verify this. So for those of you that have never gotten to spend a long run with our groups you have missed some very interesting times. What fun would it be if we were to just run so fast that no one could talk.
Well somewhere close to Snowville our group was once again separated even though I'm not sure how/when. It became Maria, Melissa and I with various other runners who seemed to use us for a pick me up as they dropped back or came up (mostly dropping back as we started DFL). I didn't spend any time at the aid stations and instead just walked/hydrated/ate while others stopped. We moved good and in no time we were on our way to the Boston Store. The first place runner passed us as we headed down the hill toward boston and just then we heard the train whistle. This is the first time I had ever been passed prior to boston store by return runners which was a good sign.
Kam passed us as we were leaving the woods and I then realized that Mark was stopped on the other side of the train. He looked pretty unhappy when the train cleared but it gave us a good story at Boston as they were telling us about Kam outrunning the train by only 20-30 yards by some accounts.... Crazy...
We headed toward pine lane and everything seemed good. Nothing new until just before the turn around my left leg started to twitch as if a cramp was forming. We spent a little longer at Pine Lane then planned and I had them refill my Camel Back as it was empty (as planned) so I took a couple s caps and for some dumb reason drank some Coke. The girls were done with the bathroom and we were out again. We were almost spot on 3:30 as planned at the half. A full 30 minutes slower then my first Buckeye 50k and it was 10 degrees cooler and I am in far better shape now.
Well as we entered the pines on the way back I started to feel some cramping in my quads so I took it slower then normal (this is normally where I pick it up and move on out). Maria who is normally my counterpart through this section took off like we always do while I held back and conserved. This would be the last I would see of Maria who went on for a PR. We kept running for most of the downhills and flats to the Boston Store. I had really started to feel my quads and I was pretty sure it was dehydration but maybe it was just not eating enough. So the aid workers at boston store helped me out with some watermelon (covered in salt) and an orange. In hindsight I should have eaten a lot more here. I am always overly worried about my stomach but worrying too much to eat pretty much ended the good part of my day. I headed out out into untested territory. This was the furthest I had ever made it in a buckeye and the longest I have ever gone in any race without puking or self imploding. We hit the up hill that takes you almost a full 3/4 of a mile to the piano keys and this is where everything hit me. The constant uphill had my left quad cramp up. I could watch my entire leg pulse with each step. Melissa told me I needed to get moving and running or it would get worse so I tried to run some of the flatter section near the top of the stairs. Then we started down the stairs and my legs really stopped cooperating. On the next uphill heading back toward Boston Mills Rd it really got bad. I couldn't get my left quad to release and stopped a couple of times on my way up the hill to try and get it to release so I could at least walk normally. When we finally got up to the top of the hill at the point when you come out into the driveway for the roadwork building on Boston Mills I sat down on a large rock and told Melissa for the first time of the day that I was done. I believe here words were "what the fuck... we are kinda in the middle here it's not like there is someone to give you a ride". Thinking back I would have never quit here but it was just the response that came out of my mouth when she started trying to get me moving. So we got going on the trails and at this point had made it over 20 miles in maybe 4-1/2 hours. I was able to get a little more running in off and on on the downhills including the paved downhill going down to Blue Hen Falls. The problem was the uphill after. This is when things begin to get cloudy and blur together. every uphill from here on out included stops to hold on to trees. At one point my heartrate seemed to be racing so fast that I could feel it in my temples and it wouldn't drop back down. I don't think there is any way to overstate how many times Melissa should have just left me. I tried everything. I got out my ipod, the crutch I have used to get me through hard times while training and the f'n think didn't work. Apparently I was sweating so much that when I turned it on the rocker switches had moisture in them which would randomly cause it to turn of and then I couldn't get it on for a few minutes etc. At some point it started working but was playing one of my daughters songs and I couldn't get it to switch playlists. Well at least it drove me crazy while walking. The last 11 miles of this race would end up taking me the same 4-1/2 hours as the initial 20. We were being passed by people and about a half mile from Snowville some guy passed us as Melissa was really letting me have it. She didn't know if she should push me more and risk having me just shut down or take it easy and try to talk me into a better mood for most of this section but just as this guy was coming past it she really let it fly. Apparently he reported some of the incident at the Snowville aid station which really got a laugh and even got Tara to head back up the trail looking for us. Seeing her come bouncing up the trail with her ponytails was a good sight and I was really encouraged to see that her and Bill had waited at Snowville and wanted to see me get through this. I think everyone knew that even if I had wanted to quit there was no way for me to do it with Bill standing there giving me hell. I will omit some of my comments to him at this point as they weren't so kind and I really do appreciate all of them being there for me. This was the first time that I could try to fix what was wrong. I ate everything I could at this aid station and they even filled a bag full to take with me on the trail. I sat down while my water was refilled (I know this is bad but Bill took a picture and it was immediately on facebook with a caption "will he finish?". On my way out I heard one of the aid station volunteers ask a question and then heard Bill say "He will finish now". I'm not sure if they knew I could still hear them but Bill was right.
I thought I was walking pretty good at this point but then a local personal trainer caught up to me who was working toward his second finish at the summer Buckeye I believe. He's not a man of many words (or maybe no words) but when I asked if he wanted to get buy he indicated that our pace was fine. I picked it up a little and the three of us walked for 5-10 minutes together until the next uphill. At that point he headed around me and moved on. Melissa gave me a look that could kill and followed it up with a "come on". Like I said most of this is a blur but for some reason this part is clear in my memory. I looked at her and told her " I just got passed in a foot race by ________" and something about nothing she could ever say should motivate me more then what just happened. Well one way or another I made it to the finish. I actually stopped and waited for a man to pass me before heading into the driveway for the finish because at that point I didn't care enough to have my ego act like I was so much faster. I got to the finish and stopped to see the last three digits on the clock read 911. It was enough to give a little levity to the situation and I just stopped. Lloyd was taking the tag off my number and someone yelled "are you going to cross the finish line?". I looked down and realized I was about a foot short. I think I took a step and then walked over to the pavilion. I don't remember who all was there but I have received many emails from individuals who where there to help. Pizza and water showed up in front of me and I just shut down. In a way that is all me I even found time to make a comment about getting the same fuckin metal as Mark Godale and Kam (as Mark stood there supporting the runners coming in hours after him). I made eye contact with him after my statement to try and let him know that it was not meant personally and later exchanged emails.

So in retrospect here goes. I received emails from people who were at a lose at what to say as I seemed so discouraged even in my successful completion of an endurance race that has kicked my ass on multiple occasions. To them, I am still discouraged and upset. I try to be successful at everything I do in life and unfortunately most of the time I have measured that success by comparing it to others. In comparison I was bib number 151 out of 167 and finished 152 out of 154 finishers. At the finish line this is where what little of my mind that was left was at. In retrospect there are many people who would say I finished 152 not out of 167 but out of the smallest portion of the population who could even be so strong as to attempt to run 50k on the Buckeye Trail. There are always ways to make a finish out to be more or less then it is. I guess it is just up to the person measuring. So here is my take for my blog.

I was out to finish a 50k that I started working toward 5 months after I started running. I was naive and had no idea of the journey which would lead me to today. If it wasn't for this journey I would never have met such a great group of people including the one who helped me to finally complete it. Out of the emails and calls I received after the race over 50% of them came from people who I have met as a direct result of the Buckeye. So the journey isn't done it's just moving on. At this point I don't have plans to ever again run the summer buckeye 50k. I will definitely run the training runs as these have always been my favorite part. Maybe my place in this grand journey is meant more to help others through then to do it myself. Maybe I was to offer levity and companionship for the other people who trained and finished so well on Saturday.

So 2-1/2 years after starting running for the first time in my life, 7 years after reaching my maximum weight of 250+lbs and 2 years after attempting to complete a 50k trail run this part of the story is done :)

Oh and to the runners reading this. See you out there training for the fall marathons. I think I'm going to try something new this year and maybe I can hit the trifecta on the half marathon distance... Buckeye 1/2, Akron 1/2, Towpath 1/2. Then of course there is the Buckeye Winter 50k....... the 30k option obviously.

Always going forward

Wow I am really slacking at this blog thing but I am making up for it on facebook.

So I just finished up a weekend with all the girls of All About Dance By Kristen at nationals and they did fantastic. My sunshining 9 year old danced in groups that won 1st overalls in the respective age groups for small group, large group, and lines. The first two actually paid price money of $750 and $1000 for the groups along with the necessary items such as a 6' tall trophy that dwarfs all of the 7-9 yr old girls.. It was a good weekend made even better by a trip to the bar late Saturday night to witness UFC 100 and watch grown men punch and wrestle each other until one either gives up or is unable to continue. It's amazing a weekend of watching talented kids express themselves physically through dance and movement was married perfectly with watching grown men express themselves through barbaric violence. I guess you could call it a weekend of artistic expressionism.

This leads me to where I am now. I am currently in the phase of training that runners refer to as the taper. I'm actually more or less at the end of the taper beginning the transition into preparedness and full of anxious energy. This step is also full of a constant battle between a bottle of water and the bathroom. I seem to be spending more time walking back and forth between the bathroom then I was when my children were 2 and 3 years old.

I feel that I am better prepared for the Buckeye 50k on Saturday then I have been for any endurance race in my life. I have put in the miles, completed the long runs strong, and I am mentally ready for anything that the world throws at me. I realized just how strongly this has become rooted in my consciousness when I was explaining to my daughter why this meant so much to me. I told her about how I have quit twice before in this race. I didn't make up excuses or beat around the bush. I told her that I wasn't mentally strong enough to make it through the tough times and just gave up. She asked me why I was doing it again and without hesitation I told her that I couldn't continue to look back and measure this point in my life by a few short moments of weakness as there are so many good memories. I am doing it to replace those memories forever with the memories I create on Saturday.

So to all of those that are reading this and have had some part in the training, or will have some part in the adventure on Saturday. Thanks for becoming a part of the good memories.... and to those that are forgotten with the bad... I hope you understand... Now in the immortal words of Judge Mills Lane.... Lets get it on.

Busy life

Life has finally caught up to me big time. School is almost over but that means dance recitals, t-ball, fathers day, anniversaries, b-days, vacation, you name it... Oh and Allergies. I put in my best week of running in 2009 last week. I think I was a mile short of 50. Considering I'm going to run the full Buckeye 50k in around 8 weeks this is a good thing. I actually think I'm ahead of where I planned on being (if you can ever be ahead of training for a 50k).

Well this week has been rough though. The allergies have lead to eyes that won't open in the morning and a full head. I was going to run this morning but the Benadryl ruined that idea. The 9+ hours of sleep were probably more necessary then I would like to admit but it is killing my week. I've only got in 11 miles. Hoping to hit the towpath at lunch to stat fixing this. Then I've got a 15 mile run planned on the trails Saturday. With the long weekend maybe I can get in some extra.

Well just taking a moment for a sanity check. Back to life. The good and bad news is that I've only taken on business trip in the last 8-9 weeks. The good is I've been spending time at home with the kids, the bad is that it will surely catch up with me and cause the summer to be busy.

Blog Slacker

Wow, has it really been 10 weeks since I have written on my blog? It's amazing how busy our lives can get. Birthday parties for the 4 yr old and 9 yr old, dance competitions, travel, running, finishing the basement of our house, building a clubhouse for the kids, it's all gotten out of control. I don't have a minute to relax.

I've been running and training with friends who are running the Cleveland Marathon next week or have run one in the last few weeks. I had intended to run the half in Cleveland to pace a friend but she unfortunately will not be running. I guess that saves me $60 as I never signed up. After all my crazy marathon experiences I have sworn off that distance until I get things figured out. I have done a couple 20 mile training runs on trails over the last few months but always seemed to end up run/walking some and experiencing some issues. Two weeks ago I went out with Nick to put in a long run when the VR group had their 20 mile aided run. After 5.5 miles we hit the first aid stop that Vince had set out and I had one of the Apple Cinnamon Hammer Gels. Well about a mile or two later Nick and I took a wrong turn which cut off some mileage and then my stomach started it's rumblings. Beginning at mile 7-8 we had started walking some to prevent me from puking. This was crazy and I could only relate it to the gel. That's it no more gels. By the time we hit mile 11-12 my stomach was getting much better and we ran most of the remaining 3 miles back to the cars. This was ridiculous. It was either the gel or Nick.

So last weekend I saw a post on facebook from a friend who indicated he was putting in 20 on the Akron course the next day. I convinced myself to retaliate for the previous week and joined them at 6:00am. It was a small group just Red, Bob and I but we had a good time. After about 7 miles I started to feel a little tired and started eating some trail mix I had brought with me. I had been living off of the Marc's trail mix and/or Raisins for the last 2-3 months of running and only changed it during the VR run. So I started to feel a little better and we just carried on through the hills of Akron. We managed to all stay together and had a nice little rest stop at mile 14 thanks to Debi. Well after that things started to get a little quite. We hit the last hill before Stan Hywett hall and Red indicated we had to run this. I felt a little rush of energy and powered up the hill at a pretty good pace. When I hit the top I walked for a little until red and bob caught up and then we were ready to turn the corner.

At this point Bob and I started talking about construction and drywall so Red put on her iPod and she was off. We held close for most of the next few miles (she had done this once before to us at around mile 12). When we all got back together we gave her a hard time about leaving us and then it was time for all of us to put on the tunes. It was strange but as soon as the music hit me I got a rush and it was on. This was strange. I had run 15 miles and was ready to get going. we picked up the pace down Market and Red really got going. I was still a little worried in the back of my mind so I would stop every once in a while to regroup with Bob and then we were off again. Red stopped for a second at the corner of Main and we all ran to the finish together. When I looked down and saw the 26 mile mark on the street I sprinted to the roadrunner statue and it felt great. I had run almost 20 miles and my legs were strong and picking up the pace. My stomach was good and although I later saw that I was down almost 2% of my body weight from where I started it was great. I'm still amazed. I did the math and figured that if we kept the pace for another 6 miles we would have finished in around 4:40-4:45. That's insane on a training run for me.

So I could most likely run the Cleveland Marathon and set a PR but I won't. I'm going to take this experience and go run another training run and then another until I know what I can do. The feeling I had during those last 2-3 miles is why I run. Not for a race or a metal...

With that being said... I'm finishing the Buckeye 50k in 10 weeks.